Review by ELAINE DONG (www.angelolli.com)
THE BIG BOOK OF PARENTING SOLUTIONS
101 Answers to your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries
By Michele Borba
Publisher: Jossey-Bass
When this hefty book (it’s 694 pages!) landed on my lap, I wondered if it would really answer all my questions. So I did this review in this manner: I listed down the top 3 parenting questions that I have gathered (some are mine, some are from the other mummies around me) and tried to see whether the book could answer them.
The book is divided into Family, Behaviour, Character, Emotions, Social Science, School, Special Needs, Day to Day and Electronics. From here, I closed the book and wrote down my questions.
No. 1: From the day that my second daughter was born, I sort of put my eldest in charge of her, in an effort to foster sibling closeness and to encourage my eldest to learn about sharing and caring. Sometimes I feel this puts too much pressure on her (she’s only four).
Book answer: Page 23, Oldest Child.
It says the oldest is most likely to be confident, organised, intelligent, determined and so on. The firstborn will be the only one to get the parents’ undivided attention, and this affects how they turn out as compared to the younger siblings. Although the child cannot change the rank, and therefore responsibilities in the family, there are things we parents can do to help him be the best that he can be. It reminds parents to also focus on the other kids to avoid sibling jealousy and to be a little more relaxed around the firstborn. Realise that he or she is just a kid, to temper our expectations of him or her and to let the oldest child take the lead in determining his path.
No. 2: My son gets very emotional at times and has meltdowns over the littlest things. He just turned two. Most of the time, he is a good boy, but the meltdowns can get pretty intense.
Book answer: Page 109, Tantrums.
It says kids who throw tantrums do not know how to express their needs, and because they learn that tantrums works. The secret is not to give in to these outbursts. On page 112, there are some solutions - calm your child down, distract and redirect his attention, describe his feelings back to him (“You seem frustrated. Are you frustrated?”) or give a warning. There are also tips on what you can do during a tantrum - keep calm, ensure the child is safe, don’t try to reason with a screaming child and be consistent. I find this section practical and useful, and I have tried some of these techniques myself. Depending on the child’s temperament, one method would work better over the others.
No. 3: My daughter has a friend her age (four) who always comes over to play. Whenever she comes, she’ll turn the toy area upside down, taking my daughter’s toys and playing with them without asking for permission. My daughter lets her, because she’s a little timid.
Book answer: Page 323, Bullying and Page 355, Disciplining Other Kids.
Since they’re so young, I would hate to think there is malice on the other kid’s part. But under Bullying, it encourages parents to get to the core of the matter. Ask questions like “Did you feel hurt that she took your toys?”, “Did you tell her no?” and so forth. Under Disciplining other kids, the book advocates getting on board with the other parent and saying things like this tactfully: “I’m so glad our kids are spending time together. Are there any special rules you’d like your child to follow?” From there, you can lead on to the rules in your house.
I find the book’s advice practical and spot on. I especially like the rapid response sections, where it lists down several alternative methods that a parent can use to deal with various parenting challenges.
The language used is positive and the author also advocates speaking positively to your child no matter how dire the situation, which is one parenting principle that most parents would be happy to adopt.
The 10 different topics listed above are very comprehensive, and more or less cover everything. Under each topic, there are subtopics, so you will be sure to find what you’re looking for. This book will be your constant companion from the time your child becomes a toddler/preschooler to his or her teenage years. I highly recommend it.