Sleepovers – good or bad idea?

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

By SHAMALA VELU

Mention the word sleepover and some parents become apprehensive. It's not unusual to have nightmares wondering whether your child is safe, or whether the kids are involved in activities that you don't approve of.

The truth is, kids have a wonderful time just being with their friends and having fun. At some point, your kids will be pleading with you to let them spend the night at their friend's house. So, is it a good idea or not?

Two parents share their opinions:

Manjit Kanesan

Manjit Kanesan, mother to Roshan, 21, Ashereen, 19, and Akash, 12:

“It's absolutely fun for the kids to have sleepovers as they get to spend time with a selective group of good friends. I don't have to worry about carting them from the cinema or futsal court or pool. They are in a safe, healthy environment where they get to spend an equal time indoors as well as outdoors. I can monitor their activities and ensure they are not in front of the TV or computer all the time. It's like a big indoor camping expedition. At bedtime, I sometimes overhear them laughing and talking about what they have done in the day and also about their favourite football teams.

However, the downside is that sometimes, it's not very easy to get them to sleep early. They will be chatting long after lights are out and may be tired after a sleepover. They can sometimes get into tiffs and end up a little emotional over small things. That can be very noisy.

In my opinion, a child will develop positively as they learn to share and how to give-and-take. They have to look after their own belongings and this makes them more responsible. It teaches them not only to be more independent, but also how to be more sensitive to others.

My sisters and I used to go for sleepovers very often when we were young and we used to really look forward to them.

I know that Akash also looks forward to sleepovers with his friends. Normally, he will organise a pool party at home, followed by playing ball in the garden. Next, they have snack time and TV time. Sometimes, they try to make a mini movie! They also play board games such as Monopoly or carrom. When they are finished with that, the Nerf guns come out and they run around the house!

Parents definitely need to monitor the activities during a sleepover. I personally do not encourage time on the computer or Xbox games. My husband sometimes sits with them and they chat about football and sports games. If I'm not around, I make sure that my eldest son keeps an eye on them.

I guess I am particular about where my son has his sleepovers and that his friends have more or less the same values as us. As parents, we are entrusted with keeping our friends' children safe, so having the same values is important. I will be able to sleep easily knowing that my child is in a secure environment and vice versa.

I try to get to know the parents first before sleepovers are encouraged. Better to be safe than sorry later.

Akash had his first sleepover when he was about nine years old. I think that is a good age to have sleepovers because they are old enough to be independent. The level of responsibility varies from child to child but in my opinion, most children are well behaved when they are in another person's house.”

Azlin Ghazali

Azlin Ghazali, father to Aina Syasya, 16, Anis Syaza, 14, Ahmad Sirhan, 12 and Muhammad Alif Safwan, 7:

“Children do get to know their friends better when they go for sleepovers. Not only do they learn and understand more about their friend's background, but they also become more aware of how they live.

I'm sure in every household there are rules and norms that will differ to some degree. Assuming that a child is able to differentiate between good and bad, this can be a positive thing. It will be a good experience if a child is exposed to positive qualities as it will help to build his or her character.

There will also be a feeling of trust between parents, too. Parents hosting the sleepover will feel honoured that the visiting child's parents have entrusted their child to them.

However, on the downside, children may be shocked if the household rules and values are different from their own. This can be a negative thing especially if the child becomes confused and doesn't understand why there are differences.

Sleepovers can cause some degree of inconvenience to the hosting family as well. Having someone in the house requires some adjustment and might not be favourable to everyone at home.

For example, Muslim women are expected to wear the 'tudung' (head scarf) in the house when there are male visitors. I worry if my child will cause inconvenience to the hosting family, especially if they are not used to these rules and norms.

I worry about safety and that family values may be compromised when children go for sleepovers. In fact, there is no way to find out or determine the values of a hosting family.

I went to a boarding school (Royal Military College) in Kuala Lumpur as my parents are from Kedah. Occasionally, I would sleep over at a friend's house in KL during short breaks because it was too far to go back to Kedah.

I reluctantly allow my children to bring their friends home to stay. When they do, I always make it a point to explain to other family members what is expected of them to ensure that our guest is comfortable.

Basic things such as having good meals, eating on time, praying on time, playing safely and no fighting are important to me. I find it takes a lot of effort and commitment on the part of the hosting family.

When I send my child for a sleepover, I expect the hosting parent to do the same. However, I'm not convinced other people will go through the same trouble as I do. I can only assume they will take care of things. There is no way of finding out what happens in other people's homes, right?

I would be more comfortable if my child did not go for sleepovers. The other thing I worry about is that the values of the hosting family are different from mine. You may find things similar at the surface but who knows what goes on behind the scenes? I don't allow my children to sleep over at the relatives' and grandparents' homes without me or my wife.

Parents need to monitor the activities of children during a sleepover and ensure they have a positive learning experience.

When I'm not comfortable sending my children for sleepovers, I tell them it will be an inconvenience to the hosting family. I feel there is enough time in the day to do whatever needs to be done so sleepovers are not necessary.

I also ask them to give me a strong reason why they need to go for a sleepover. For me, having fun is not an acceptable reason.

I personally don't see the need for children to go for sleepovers. I believe night time is for the family to be together. Whatever the kids want to do, they can do during the day.

Having said that, the ideal age for sleepovers is 16 and above. At this age, they know how to behave and will understand what is required of them. I recently allowed my 16-year-old daughter go for a sleepover at her friend's house after being asked several times. My daughter's friend has been at our place twice and my daughter wanted to catch up with her school work, so I allowed it. (She missed school during the Haj.)

My advice to parents is to prepare their child and tell them what they can and cannot do at a sleepover. They should learn to respect the hosting family's privacy and values. Also, try to determine if the environment will be suitable for your child. I strongly believe the environment in which a child is exposed to shapes his or her character and values.”

ADHD – to medicate or not?

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

By SHAMALA VELU

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a chronic pervasive childhood disorder characterised by developmentally inappropriate activity level, low frustration tolerance, impulsiveness, poor organisation of behaviour, hyperactivity and inattentiveness. ADHD children may sometimes seem like difficult kids at school or home.

It is one of the more common childhood disorders, occurring in 3-7% of school-age children and representing one-third to 50% of referrals to child mental health services, even here in Malaysia.

Some doctors consider giving medication to manage the condition after making an in-depth diagnosis. However, there are many parents and experts who look for other options to treat ADHD. Two experts give their opinions on whether ADHD kids should be medicated.

Sara Brenneman

Sara Brenneman, learning specialist, teacher and director of The Learning Connection:
 
“Our centre has a range of students with varying abilities and disabilities. Many of our children are on the autistic spectrum. Others have global developmental delays and language delays. We do have children with ADHD, however this is typically in combination with other diagnoses.

I am not against the use of medication. However, I am an advocate for trying every alternative before I suggest the option of medication. Some students at the centre are on medication.

In my opinion, the following learning programmes or exercise techniques are best suited for children with ADHD:

- Very structured environment and routine - everything has a set time and place including daily activities such as meal times, homework, relaxation and play, bedtime, etc.

- Be clear about what your expectations are for each activity in your daily routine.

- Be consistent with behaviour expectations and with consequences and rewards.

- Work times which are broken up by 'down time' where the child can have a choice of activities.

- Minimal environmental stimulation - keep the work area neat and clean, with not a lot of distractions.

- Behaviour plans - reinforce positive behaviour.

- Break down specific tasks into steps … step 1, step 2, etc.

- Pay attention to the physical environment which may be affecting a child - lighting, air-conds, bright colours, noises, smells, etc.

- Pay attention to diet!

- Encourage movement in daily routine - sports or outdoor play.

- You may need to actually 'teach' some social skills and tasks that come naturally to many children, such as how to make friends, how to greet people, etc.

- Making things as 'multi-sensory' as possible will make learning easier. In traditional schools, most of the learning is through the 'auditory' mode. This is often the most difficult for ADHD children. Often, they learn best by using their other senses, such as visual, touch, smell, kinesthetic movement, that is going through motions of a task in order to learn it.

- Communicate with your child’s teacher and work as a team to help your child. They may need to make individual accommodations for your child, that is the physical arrangement of class and where she/he sits, type and amount of homework assignments, etc.

My advice to parents is to first try every possible alternative. Find a doctor who you can trust and who you feel can explain ADHD, and how the medication will modify behaviour and attention span in a way you can understand.

Parents must ask questions if they don’t understand and get a second opinion. Ask your doctor to give you information about side effects and use the medication exactly as prescribed and take notes on your observations of  behaviours.

Parents must schedule regular followups with the doctor, especially at the beginning because the dosage may need to be adjusted to best suit the needs of your child. Each child reacts differently to the drug so careful monitoring is crucial. Also, make sure you are communicating with your child’s teacher on a regular basis and give them information about the drug and side effects.
Ask the teachers for regular feedback as well, as they will likely notice different behaviours at school that you may miss in the home environment.

I would recommend trying all alternatives before medicating. Other therapies such as acupuncture, kid’s yoga, diet, swimming or other sports, such as horseback riding, are some things that I have seen make a difference in the past.

Pets can also benefit ADHD children. They can help teach your kid responsibility and get him or her outside. They can also help to 'blow off steam.'

I think parents of special needs kids have a tremendous task and that they always need to be patient and strong, whether on medication or not. They need to look for the small positive steps they see from their children every day and celebrate those small things. They need to catch their child doing something right on a daily basis and offer specific praise for that …. Children will appreciate knowing that the adults in their lives are supportive and notice them doing things right, because all too often the messages they get from the adults in their lives are that they are doing things wrong.”

Dr Aili Hanim Hashim

Child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr Aili Hanim Hashim:

“ADHD is a medical disorder and diagnosis should be made by a proper medical doctor and professional. It is made by taking a thorough history from the child and parents.

“In children, information is also often gathered from their educators. While taking their history, the clinicians often focus on:

- The presence of the symptoms of the disorder, the duration, age of onset, how frequent and severe, including the impact of the symptoms on the child and his/ her functioning.

- The child’s academic/intellectual progress, looking out for symptoms of other difficulties, such as learning difficulties, symptoms of depression or anxiety.

- The history taking will also include looking for other mental health difficulties present and the family history and functioning.

There are no specific test(s) to make a diagnosis of ADHD. In making a diagnosis of ADHD too, additional tests (scan, neuro-imaging) are not necessarily done unless there are indications of other medical illnesses, or the presence of low intellectual ability or learning difficulties, for example reading and writing.

Doctors usually consider medication after gathering a thorough history, especially from the parents.

For me too, I often take into consideration the input of the family. I find that if parents are not keen or ready to consider using medication for their children, they would not usually cooperate in giving the medication to the children.

In younger children, most parents would like to consider non-medication options or therapy, such as behavioural therapy and school intervention before considering the use of medication.

At the Psychiatry Adolescent and Child (PAC) Unit at Universiti Malaya Medical Centre where I work, there is an increase in the number of cases seen as we have been conducting public talks to help teachers and parents recognise children with behavioural, academic, emotional and/or interactional difficulties. Many teachers have responded by using the knowledge gained, to pick and talk to the parents to consider having their children assessed.

Generally, there is an increase of children with academic, behavioural and/or emotional difficulties who are brought for assessment to see a general pracitioner or paediatrician and later a referral is made to mental health services.

Much attention has focused on the role of food components, in particular, food additives/ artificial colouring as an etiological link to ADHD. Thus far, there is not enough scientific evidence to support the above hypotheses, as only a small subset of children have been identified to have or is sensitive to artificial flavours, preservatives, and colouring.

Parents and adults need to understand that even if children are on medication, medication alone is not the answer. It is usually the combination of medication, and the adults working with the children that will result in the best outcome.
A lot of people now know about ADHD, mainly from the media including the Internet. It helps in some cases, but it can often be 'mis-information' rather than information.

People are scared by the amount of information regarding the use of medication in children, turning children into drug addicts – in these instances, it frightens them to even come seek assessment and advice or in many cases that I have, they drop out and only return years later when the difficulties in the children are very severe.

Critics claim that ADHD is over-diagnosed and that children are receiving unnecessary and inappropriate treatment. Contrary to this claim, research on treatment utilisation and from my experience, many more children are not being screened or even assessed. Worst still, they are struggling in schools, yet adults feel they are just lazy, they can do it, they will outgrow it or they should push themselves.

Some children can, but others either will turn delinquent or have emotional difficulties as they cannot cope.

There are now many more child psychiatric services in major public hospitals around the country. There are also increases in the number of private child psychiatrists, especially in major cities. Paediatricians too see and some manage children with ADHD, especially developmental paediatricians.”

Kids at the playground unsupervised – yes or no?

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

By SHAMALA VELU

Children love playing outdoors and it is one good way for them to release energy. As most kids like to take risks when they play, there is bound to be some minor bruises and falls.

However, what most parents really worry about is strangers lurking around the playground. Many kids these days venture out on their own, riding bicycles around their housing area and making new friends at the playground. Though some parents may give them the nod, there are those who are more cautious.

Do parents always need to follow and supervise their children at the nearby playground? Two parents share their opinion:

Avie Hainee Abas

Avie Hainee Abas, (accounts and administration executive) is mother to Dania Qarmila Ezzati, 9, and two boys, Harish Hazziq Iman, 6, and Hazzim Razziq Iman, 3:

“I don't allow my children to go to the playground on their own. I will always follow them when they go fortnightly.

Although we think that our neighbourhood is safe, nowadays it is really unpredictable. It may just be the opposite. To be independent doesn't meant we can allow and encourage our children to go to the playground on their own.

I worry about strangers and unfamiliar faces at the playground. In my opinion, children above 12 years of age should be able to play around their neighbourhood on their own as they can understand better and are more aware of their surroundings. I think nowadays children of 12 or 13 are more independent and want to go out on their own.

There are a few parents who do allow their young kids to roam freely in the housing area without proper supervision. However, I believe it is the parents' responsibility to ensure their children's safety. My daughter who is nine is able to cross the road, but my two young boys cannot do that on their own yet.”

Noridayu Adzhar

Noridayu Adzhar, (insurance agent) mother to boys Harith Sulaiman, 6, and Aaron Mikail, 9, months:

"My son Harith doesn't go to the playground unless his friends are there. However, he seldom goes to the playground. If none of his friends are playing there, he has to come home. I sometimes walk or drive there (although it is very near) to check on him. If everything is fine, I go back home and let him play. We live in a neighbourhood that is safe and so far, there have been no problems. I grew up in the neighbourhood of Taman Tun Dr Ismail where most people are elderly.

My son is becoming more friendly and is more responsible now compared to some children who just stay indoors. I think it's important for children to have their own space. However, as parents we must ensure their safety as well. It does not mean that we have to supervise them while they are playing. Monitoring them is the keyword.

Harith is able to cross the road himself after giving him some training so we are confident when he goes out to play. In my opinion, children should be able to play outdoors on their own at age six or seven. I always tell him to talk nicely to friends and parents but to be careful with strangers or unfamiliar faces. I remind him to avoid fights and to take care of his personal belongings such as bicycle, toys, etc.

I always keep tabs on who his friends are and ask him about new ones - their names and so on.

Sometimes, I go to the playground to meet up with his new friends. However, I tell him to watch out for teenagers who are a bad influence.

I always monitor my son's whereabouts. Sometimes, children feel uncomfortable if we are around them while they are playing. As parents, we still need to monitor them. I don't want him to think I'm spying, so I watch him from a distance."

Can boys play with dolls and girls play with guns?

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

By SHAMALA VELU

Children love toys and will light up in excitement when they receive one. Toys are not just entertaining tools kids enjoy; they also play an important role in developing their motor, social and language skills. As children play with toys, their curiosity is also enhanced.

However, what if your son reaches out to play with his sister's kitchen set or baby dolls? Would that be okay?

Are girls expected to play with teddy bears and doll houses because they are girls?

All parents certainly buy toys which are suitable for their kid's gender but there are some who believe that it is normal for little boys and girls to share each other's toys.

Two parents share their opinions on what they think about gender-specific toys.

Fazlina Ahmad Fuad.

Unit trust consultant Fazlina Ahmad Fuad, is a mother of one girl, Fatin Syamimi, six, and two boys, Syabil Fikri, six, and Syamil Fikri, two:

“Currently they are into computer games and they usually play on their father's handphone and computer at home. I do limit the time they spend on the Internet and the types of games they play. The games downloaded are also checked. I don't restrict the boys from playing with their sister's toys but it is done with guidance, of course.

We have kitchen play sets which I bought for Fatin when she was four. The boys sometimes play with them, too. Syabil used to play the kitchen set for hours and seemed fascinated by them when he was younger. Now, he and Syamil sometimes play 'restaurant' with the kitchen sets.

I don't find anything wrong with that. In fact, it actually develops their observation when we dine out. We also once bought a remote control car for Fatin when she was younger. Kids have a very wild imagination and we, as parents, should just let them explore. You never know, maybe our sons will be the next renowned chefs!

I think most of us just want to conform to society's expectations. By labelling toys only for girls, or for boys, we tend to limit their potential to explore and learn new things. At this young age, children are not prejudiced and will play with toys that they like. However, as parents, we should join them during playtime to guide them.

I do let Fatin play with cars and guns with her brothers. I have no problems with her choice of toys. What I would restrict is the playtime hours.

I let my boys play house with their sister with her Barbie dolls. But in their house version, they include action figures like Spiderman and Ultraman. From my own observation, my boys are not particularly interested in who's who, but they have an interest in creating the storyline for their play.

My children enjoy playing house and playing with the remote control cars. I just let them be children and allow them to play with anything they want.

There are no restrictions as they learn a lot from playing together. However, I do not encourage my boys to play with girl's toys. It is more about learning to share, take turns and to negotiate as to whose story will be played. They learn new things from each other and more importantly, it strengthens their relationship.

Just let your children explore because the sky's really the limit. Let them know we are always there to guide them.”

Salikin Sidek with his youngest daughter Ajwa.

Fashion designer Salikin Sidek, father of three - Ariq Siddiq, nine, Asila Sofea, seven, and Ajwa Saliha, four:

“I don't restrict my children from choosing their toys but my wife, Anita Anuar, is careful about the toys they play with. My girls like to play with kitchen sets, Barbie dolls, teddy bears and board games while my son is just the opposite. He likes cars, hot wheels and action heroes like Spiderman and Ironman.

Although he does not play with his sister's toys, Ajwa, my youngest plays with both her sister's and brother's toys.

My wife is particular when they share toys and she would explain things to the kids. I do think that if boys play with their sister's toys, it will help to keep them in touch with their feminine side a bit. However, we must be careful and guide our boys when they are playing. As parents, we need to explain the roles of men and women. Society places importance on gender-specific toys to give children a sense of identity. Playing with toys does influence the way children think and behave to a certain extent.

I believe children need to mix with their own gender and playing with toys is one good way. I wouldn't allow my girls to play with toy guns because I think that is really a boy's thing. I do know of some young boys who play with dolls because they have many sisters. In this case, parents need to monitor their sons. It is better to allow boys to play openly than to secretly play with dolls. This way, parents can also guide them.

In my opinion boys and girls should stick to their own toys unless they are board games or educational toys. Parents have to be smart these days when choosing toys for children.

I grew up with many sisters and was exposed to their toys. I think I have a better understanding of women thanks to being around them. As a fashion designer, it has helped me become more aware of what women want. I can say one must have a strong will in anything they do. Some male designers may exude femininity but they are strong on the inside.”

Is it okay to share your bed with your kids?

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

By SHAMALA VELU

Sleep is good. That is, if you have a good night's rest and have not been muscled out of the bed by your kids.

If you are a parent wondering if you are doing the right thing by sharing your bed with your child, you are not alone.

There are many parents who wonder if co-sleeping with their children is the right thing to do. Co-sleeping with babies is deemed a controversial issue as many believe it puts young infants at risk.

Some experts say parents can hurt their baby if they accidentally roll over onto them. What will happen if baby gets smothered by a pillow or other bedding material?

That said, many parents believe sharing the bed with their brood helps to foster a bond between parent and child. It gives everyone a sense of security and everyone has a good night's rest. Experts are opposed to this, saying co-sleeping inhibits a child from becoming independent. So, should parents support co-sleeping?

Two parents share their opinions on what they think about co-sleeping with their children.

Monika Ramasamy

Monika Ramasamy, mother of two aged 5 and 11:

“I felt more comfortable having my babies in the bedroom with me, as I was feeding them every hour initially and it was more convenient to have them right beside me. However, they slept in their own baby cots. I would not advocate sleeping in the same bed unless they are sick and need that extra comfort and closeness for recovery.

The first month I woke up every one or two hours to feed them. Of course, I did not have a good rest at all, but it would have been worse if I had to walk to a separate room each time! Also, in a way, it calmed me down having them close, as it was safer in case they suddenly had trouble breathing.

I definitely wouldn't want my baby to sleep in the same bed, as they are very vulnerable and automatically I wouldn't sleep well just for fear of hurting them in my sleep.

My son only moved to his own room because I was waking up so often for his newborn sister who stayed in her baby cot in our room as well. It was not feasible any more to disturb his sleep so we convinced him to move into his own room at age seven!

I am afraid our daughter still stays with us in her own bed but in the same room. We are working on the process of convincing her to stay in her own room but she doesn't seem to be quite ready yet (she is only 5).

It is my opinion that each child is different. My children don't have problems falling asleep on their own, as their bed-time is much earlier than ours.

I think if they go to bed with their parents at the same time, it will be hard for them to fall asleep on their own.

My children went through a phase where we had to be strict although they were crying their hearts out as we left the room. But that lasted only about a week and then they were fine.

One must create a sleeping habit which does not depend on other people. Children must learn to sleep on their own, whether or not they have a room to themselves or share the room with their parents.

I personally enjoy having my kids in the same room, otherwise we wouldn't have allowed it. I think the desire for closeness goes both ways. However, I think there comes a time when parents are ready to have their own personal space in the bedroom again. It is certainly more difficult to get a child used to his or her own room when he or she is older than say, when they were still babies.

Nur Fathinatul Huda Md Nor

Nur Fathinatul Huda Md Nor, mother of two aged 3+ and 2+:

“I personally think co-sleeping with baby is a normal thing to do. My babies slept with me since the day they were born. I find it very calming. When they were newborns, I put them on my chest.

It is also very convenient to breastfeed the baby. Both the mother and baby feel warm and comfortable. I found out that sleeping with my baby stimulates more milk production and I can breastfeed on demand. I think it creates time for bonding as I can cuddle, kiss and play with my babies when they are next to me.

My first boy, Azmihani Al Rayyan Mohd Azmi, is 3 years 2 months, and my girl, Salsabeel Jannah Al Rayyan Mohd Azmi, is 1 year 6 months. They have been sleeping with me ever since they were infants.

With my first child, I had some difficulties putting him in a cot for the first few days. He did not sleep long and kept crying in the middle of the night. When he slept with me, it was much easier. I believe he was more comfortable and secure. Now, I practise safe co-sleeping by putting our bed next to the wall; my daughter sleeps nearest to the wall and I sleep next to her. My son sleeps between me and his father. This prevents them from falling down. It also prevents the father from rolling on the baby since she is furthest away.

I believe the first five years are the most critical period for a child. As young children, they need to be constantly hugged and cuddled. They also need close contact with parents. I believe giving children hugs makes them feel safe and secure. This promotes good behaviour and they will learn to respect their parents; not only when they are young, but as they become young adults as well.

My son sleeps with us because I still nurse him. ( I nurse them in tandem). However, we have started training him to sleep in his own small bed, beside ours. He tends to wake up at night and come over to sleep with us, but I believe he can sleep in his own bed, when he is ready.

We have provided a room for him and started talking to him about moving to his own room. He agrees, provided we buy him Upin and Ipin toys to sleep with! I think he is still young. In my heart however, I'm also not really confident to let him sleep alone yet.

I wake up about three times at night (at 1am, 3am, 5am) to nurse my babies. I don't find it stressful or burdensome as they are breastfed on demand while I am in bed.

Parents must see what works best for them, making sure safety comes first.”

Social networks – yes or no?

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

Should children be allowed to go on Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter? Every other teenager is on the social network scene, but do they need it? And, how much privacy and security will your child be compromising by going on social networks?

Two parents share their opinions on allowing their kids on social networks.

Anne d'Cruz, mother of two aged 12 and 14:

“Both of them have a Facebook account each. 'All' their friends and cousins were on Facebook and they pestered us to allow them to open accounts. We relented and allowed the boy to open an FB account after his UPSR exam. Then one day during the December school holidays at my parents, our girl opened a secret FB account using a pseudonym. Our son rang us to inform us. (He was upset because she didn't get permission from us.) We talked to her about it, argued over it and finally allowed it as as long as she used her own name. She did.

Our fear was and is predators, paedophiles, bullies, hackers, cheats, scammers. Some of the 'real world' issues move to cyberspace and take a different shape. E.g. some of their friends scare me because these kids have issues (a crisis at home, divorced parents, middle child syndrome) and their online venting I feel affects my children's wellbeing.

We told them from the get-go to sort our their privacy and security settings and set it up to avoid the pain of viruses and malware. And they have seen their share of 'oh-why-my-PC-slowed-to-a-crawl'. As for private information, they are careful not to disclose the home address and phone number. Ditto with information shared with friends of friends. It is a learning curve and we are still at it because you never know how the next mind schemes or thinks.

If parents want to allow their kids on social networks, maybe at the start they need to monitor their child's social network interactions until parents become comfortable about the kids operating in a virtual world. But it didn't work for me. Here's why: Our son was 'friending' women in dubious poses and more dubious names and that worried me. I'd get him to unfriend them because I didn't believe they were gamers (exchanging points/weapons/whatever). In the end, he 'unfriended' me! Boy, did I panic.

But later, I told him to separate his gaming girlfriends from his school friends and to secure his personal information. Most of his online interactions are an extension of his school interactions (back then we used POTS, now they use FB). The boy has an impressive set of friends lists which he tediously and carefully divided.

But I have access to him via other people who come back and tell me what he is up to. And it is largely positive, his interactions are equivalent of what to expect at his age. Last year, my sister-in-law (he blocked her from his wall finally) rang and complained that he was using the F word constantly on his page and gave me a long lecture about raising kids and religion. I just listened, held my tongue and told her not to worry, he is fine, no strange behaviour at home apart from raging male hormones and mood swings. Anyway, to be sure, I got a friend (a father) who is also his friend online to go take a look. He said it was normal teenage boy behaviour and remarked that my son wrote in beautiful English … with the F word within!

I am not friends with my daughter on FB either. We were but each time she got upset with me for saying 'No' to whatever it was, she'd 'unfriend' me. It got tedious.

But oddly enough, the kids and I 'talk' on FB via the messaging tool. For instance, if there is something interesting I feel they should be aware of or would be useful to them, I send them a message with a link about it. When I am out, I check on them via FB. And we have a conversation running back and forth.

There was an instance, I had sent both kids a link on the Idiot's guide to the July 9th marches as they were asking a lot of questions about it. We had explained why fair and free elections is necessary in Malaysia, but I thought the idiot guide was a cool and simple way to understand what was going on around them. Two days later in a completely different setting, they had a discussion over the word of “idiot”.

That instance was one of more gratifying moments in dealing with children living in two worlds. It is good to know even though we aren't friends online, my views and fleeting entries are welcome. It is good to know our communication lines remain open. I am lucky that they tell us what they do online which is largely watch videos or participate in some dare (dumb as some may be), engage in girly talk - hair, skin, nails ....

I don't check what they do but I do ask what exciting thing happened on FB and more often than not, there is some story about some picture or video or dare or some person asking to be their friend (like a teacher) and should they say yes etc. Learning to manage people virtually is quite a task. I'm not adept but happy to dish out options on how they can do that.

I think it is inevitable that they go on the social networks. Why waste energy fighting it when you can invest time embracing it. I think each generation has mutated to include our learnings and experience within their DNA. Those beyond Generation Z are engineered differently.

A good age to let them get on social networks would be after they are reading as a habit. Because many people have forgotten you need to read when you look at a screen (even when you are watching a video on YouTube). And now you can read interactively with the iPad.

Precautions: Set reasonable limits for online engagement. Expose them to other forms of real world interaction (physical games, activities, a meal or movie together, meeting people, parties, etc). Know when to be a parent and when to be a friend and that's one tough balancing act.”

Mazniha Mohd Ali Noh

Mazniha Mohd Ali Noh, mother of three girls and one boy:

“My two older girls are 16 and 17. They are on Facebook and Tumblr. All their friends are on social networks, too.

We are Facebook friends so that I can advise them if I see them spending too much time on the social networks doing unnecessary things.

Every now and then I check what their friends are saying on the social networks and tell them off if they use words they are not supposed to.

I think my fears are that my children will spend too much time on the PC and neglect their studies. I also worry about friends' peer pressure and influence and that my children will become so used to virtual communication that they lack face-to-face communication and interpersonal skills. Of course, like all parents, I also worry about paedophiles lurking on the Internet.

I think technology is a good thing; it's how we make use of it to make our lives better. We must always be there for our children, talk to them and spend time with them - to me that's the key.”

Tuition vs no tuition

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

Should primary schoolchildren go for tuition? Some parents believe they need the additional help only for subjects they are weak in, and often it is the language subjects. Others say it is not necessary at such a young age as they would then be missing their childhood.

Let's hear what three parents have to say:

Rina Thiagu-Kler

Rina Thiagu-Kler, mother of two children, aged five and seven:

“My children don’t go for tuition at the moment, but they are involved in other activities which are not available at their school, such as speech and drama, musical theatre and swimming.

My eldest daughter, Harvynna, is quite academically-inclined. As such, she is able to do reasonably well with minimal guidance. However, with the change where Maths and Science is now taught in Bahasa Malaysia, she needs some guidance and support, which I am able to provide – by explaining the keywords and terminologies.

I don’t want to send her for tuition at such a young age as I don’t want her to be dependent on external help. I believe that she should be trained to be an independent learner. I check her school work weekly to see if she needs help in any areas and we work together to improve these areas.

I support her school work with additional workbooks, which are easily available. Through these exercises, she gets the necessary practice needed.

I don’t think it is essential for primary schoolchildren to go for tuition. If parents are able to commit their time to help their children, that would be best. Workbooks can be used to supplement school work for additional practice and reinforcement of what has been taught.

As mentioned above, in my personal opinion, sending a child for tuition from Primary One itself, would make a child dependent on tuition. However, having said that, there are cases, where tuition may be an option. For example, I have many non-Mandarin educated friends who send their children to Chinese schools. In these cases, they may need to send their children for tuition. Also, competition in school these days is really keen and if the child is struggling in school, tuition may be the solution, if parents don’t have the time.

Therefore, I believe that the need for tuition is on a case by case basis, but in my case, I would try to avoid it unless absolutely necessary. Primary schoolchildren should not be sent for tuition just because everyone else is going.

Class sizes in most public schools are getting larger – some schools have up to 50 students per class. I doubt that the teacher would be able to give each child the individual attention that they need. Every child learns differently and some may catch up faster than the rest. Parents should also play a role by monitoring their child’s homework and progress, if possible. This would help identify any areas that need attention from the beginning.

Generally, kids these days are stressed as their day is filled with numerous activities – from singing, dancing, music to sports. If they enjoy it, then why not? If tuition is done for the right reasons, then the child would not be stressed. But, if a child is sent for tuition because everyone is going, then it could be to the detriment of the child.”

Ling Siew Teng, a tuition teacher, who has three daughters aged seven, 12 and 14:

“Currently, I give tuition to kindergarten children, aged four to six years old.

I also send my own children for tuition, but only when they are in Primary Four. I guide them from Primary One to Three since I can still cope with the syllabus. I only send them for Chinese and Bahasa Malaysia tuition and revise the other subjects with them.

I treat their tuition as revision because they seldom do revision.

I think that it is not important and not necessary for primary schoolchildren to go for tuition.

The teachers should do their best but some are not responsible and assume that parents will send the child for tuition if their child is weak. I have true life experience with teachers not teaching well in school and later telling the children to go to his tuition centre!

I do think that parents are overstressing the kids by sending them for tuition from a young age as they hardly have time to relax and they will miss their childhood life.”

Kalwant Kaur, a freelance insurance agent with four children aged three years to 12 years:

“Three of my children go for tuition twice a week for two hours.

Firstly, I find it difficult to cope with the current education system which keeps changing. That's why I send them for tuition to help them with homework and revision. Secondly, I have no maid so I am mostly occupied with taking care of my youngest daughter and the household chores.

I think it is important for primary schoolchildren to go for tuition. The class is so big that the teachers in school just do their part in teaching and can't guide the few who can't understand … and teachers nowadays have started using the phrase 'go and ask your tuition teacher if you can't understand'. As they themselves give tuition, they encourage the students to go for tuition.

I don't think I am overstressing the children because they need to cope with the current education system which is challenging ….”

Scheduled feeds vs feed on demand

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

Should small children be fed on demand or should they be put on a schedule? Mothers are generally divided over this although all mothers agree that when a child is hungry, you have to feed her/him. And this means that even if you put a child on a schedule, there might be the odd feed here or there that is not on schedule.

Let's hear what two mothers and a paediatrician have to say:

Bridget Emily Mowe with her daughter.

Bridget Emily Mowe, who is mother of a three-year-old girl and expecting her second one any day:

I stopped breastfeeding my daughter when she was one year and three months. When I was breasfeeding, I fed her on demand. She was a preemie and it seemed like it was the right thing to do by feeding her as much as I could. Plus, by doing that, I noticed she never had colic problems. In addition, we bonded better and still remain very close till this day.

There were days when she would sleep through and there were days when she would be awake at odd hours demanding a feed …. She didn't throw up and I take it that its because feeding on demand means not being overfed.

After the sixth month I noticed that she developed her own pattern of feeds. She woke up less at nights and slept for longer hours. I also believe it is because at that age, we had started her on solids. That could have contributed to her feeding pattern as well.

I don't think feeding on schedule or demand makes a difference because babies develop their own schedule as time goes by. No matter how much we plan to space out their feeding intervals, if they're hungry, they're hungry. From my experience, babies will develop their own pattern as they get older. Its up to us mothers to take notice of it and what factors contribute to it. In my case, my daughter fell into schedule as soon as I started her on solids at six months. Before that, she would demand for milk every three to four hours.

I believe there is a tendency to overfeed them if we do it on schedule because that's the only way to make sure they sleep through a specific amount of time.

Paediatrician Dr Yong Junina:

Babies should be fed on demand especially when they are young because they don't have enough nutrients to last them through the night.

If you don't feed them at night, then their blood sugar level will start to drop so you need to feed them on demand.

If they're not on solids yet and you're breastfeeding, then you feed them until about midnight, let them have a big feed, then they may last for about four hours.

Breast milk is digested at a faster rate so the chances of them getting hungry soon are greater. That's why breastfed babies feed every two hours while bottlefed babies feed every three to four hours.

Because you can't see how much breast milk your child is taking, you need to estimate. If the child is taking five minutes per breast then maybe you coax him to go back to the first breast and see if he will take some more (so that he won't be hungry again so soon).

Elaine Ho with her son James.

Elaine Ho, mother of two boys aged three months and two years old:

Both my sons were and are being breastfed. The elder boy weaned himself at about 15 months when I started working. He was only drinking maybe two to three times a day then and after one period when I had to be away for a company trip, he just stopped taking the breast.

When I started out with my eldest it was on demand but he would scream for his milk every three hours like clockwork. His demand was easy to tell because he would start crying. The second one is not so easy to tell because he just makes a bit of noise and if I don't feed him sometimes he'll go back to sleep. So, roughly every three hours I will check to see if he is hungry. Sometimes it's one hour, sometimes it's two, sometimes he drinks from just one breast, sometimes from two …. So, for him, feeds are really on demand and I'm on call 24 hours a day.

But at this point, because he is still so small, I can't schedule the feeds. Instead of scheduling his feeds, I schedule my own life in two-hour pockets.

Now, although my bigger boy is also eating solids, he is not on scheduled feeds. I guess we just continued from his on-demand breastfeeding days. So, now, we wait to see signs of hunger before feeding him. His lunch is usually about 12noon to 1pm, tea is about 3-5pm and dinner is 6-7.30pm. We see when he's hungry and we'll feed him. If he doesn't want to eat, he'll refuse the food. Then we normally let him play a bit and then try again later.

While it's still pretty much on demand, his feeds now are more scheduled than when he was breastfeeding.

We don't believe in forcing our children to follow a schedule because even we ourselves don't eat on schedule. So, we let them tell us when they are hungry.

I don't plan to start scheduling my children; let the kindergarten schedule them.

I think scheduling could lead to forcing them to eat and this will have a negative affect on their relationship with food and leads to food-related psychological problems – they may overeat or be overly fussy with food.

Toy guns – okay or a no-no?

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

Should children be allowed to play with toy guns? Some parents are dead set against them because of safety issues and/or because of the noise. Others say they ban it from their homes for fear that their child will grow up to have violent tendencies.

Are toy guns okay for your home?

Here's what two mothers have to say about it:

Sharifah Sabah Alsree, mother of two – a boy aged 11 years old and a girl, aged eight:

“When I was a child, I played with toy guns but only for a short time. Mum took it off me when she realised the tiny plastic bullets could be quite dangerous if they hit anyone in the eye.

As a mother now, I don't see much harm in allowing my kids to play with toy guns. I let both my boy and girl play laser-tag. But they both also attend cooking class and Lego Robotics and Engineering as well.

As with any toy, younger children should be supervised. I would consider the safety aspect. Like any toy I buy, it should be well built and not break apart and cut their fingers. It also shouldn't be shooting dangerous projectiles that might seriously injure anyone. I consider those that shoot foam darts with suction to be okay. The 'laser' guns with blinking lights and sound effects shoot nothing, and are therefore, pretty safe. How can anyone deprive a child of water guns? They're so much fun.

I don't believe a happy, well-adjusted child will turn violent just because they chase their friends around a pool with a water gun every Sunday.

Generally, I don't believe guns per se make kids violent. It depends on individual personality. A child with a ready propensity for violence can turn any everyday object, be it a book or water bottle, into a weapon and hit someone, or torture some poor insect, whether or not they have ever been introduced to toy guns.

Besides personality, I can think of other factors that can make a child grow up violent. Copying violent role-model/adult behaviour like yelling, arguing and hitting observed in their home environment or on TV can contribute to violent behaviour.

I think some parents have big hangups about toy guns. I just don't have them.

I think we should never underestimate the benefits of pretend-play … even with toy guns and weapons! It stimulates imagination and develops creativity and innovation. Seriously! My kids come to me with all sorts of 'inventions' from everyday objects … catapults using rubber band and ice-cream sticks, water balloon bombs of varying sizes for different impact, Lego guns with viewfinder, straw helicopter blades and plastic bag parachutes, etc. Of course, all this was after they attended some innovative workshops on children engineering and such.

More importantly, I want to share an observation:

Let's extend the idea to virtual guns. I was watching my son play Modern Warfare 2 on his Xbox. He was playing online with other kids from around the world and it struck me that there are many levels of learning happening here. There he was, forming teams and coordinating mission strategy with other online gamers. When someone gets shot, another player would come and revive them with medicine before continuing with the mission. That was a 'wow' moment for me!

This was not a person staring zombie-like into a computer screen, playing in isolation. This was a goal-driven activity with a strong sense of teamwork and cooperation. There was dialogue back and forth. He was making friends around the world, planning, strategising, making quick decisions and taking turns in leadership roles.

Goes to show, there's a positive side to everything.”

Merryn Tan

Merryn Tan, mother of one boy aged 3+:

As a child, I did not play with toy guns because my Dad was with the Navy and often away leaving my mum and us three girls (we have no brothers) so we always did girly stuff such as baking and cooking. In other words, we were actually helping Mum with her daily chores!

I don't forbid my son from playing with toy guns but I don't encourage it, either. I don't buy him guns but if he ever comes across one in the clinic or whenever he is playing with his friends, I won't become hysterical when he actually plays with it.

I dislike the idea of them pretending to shoot each other and playing dead. Kids his age are supposed to be cute and cuddly, not going around 'killing' others! I know for sure when he actually goes to school in the near future, he'll be exposed to toy guns eventually. So why should I expose him to them now? Some things can wait and toy guns are definitely one of them!

I do think that playing with toy guns makes children more violent. Do you see children using guns to hug each other? Children with toy guns only know how to shoot with it and if the opponent doesn't play dead, they might get rough and use the guns to hit their friends.

Picture this, a kid at his most calm self building a sandcastle at the beach. Another kid with a super powerful water gun comes attacking that sandcastle and ruining it. A nice sight? I don't think so.

Children learn by example. Why instil the idea of shooting with a gun in the first place? Before kids learn to shoot, they must know the reason why guns exist in the first place. Tell me now, why do guns exist in the first place? To wound, kill ….

How do I explain that to my kid? How do I tell him that guns are made to wound and kill others when all this while I've been guiding him to be a loving and compassionate person?

Do I tell him that guns are used for self-defence? Does it mean it is okay to shoot others in the midst of rage?

My greatest fear is that my son will turn into a 'monster' as a result of playing with toy guns; that he will 'shoot' everyone at home, including our guests.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger

Siew (not her real name), mother of three, writes:

My children are not vaccinated and I don't ever plan to vaccinate them. Well, one child did get three shots because I was scared after hearing the paediatrician's explanation. But then I went on to do my own research. I spent hours and hours in front of the computer trying to find out why natural health practitioners do not advocate vaccines.

What I went on to read gave me goosebumps and I regret that I never ever did my own thorough research before subjecting my newborn to vaccines. I always thought doctors knew best until I decided not to be ignorant anymore.

1. Aren't vaccines full of toxic ingredients?
I have read that the ingredients in vaccines are mostly carcinogenic. Ask any chemist or check with the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) of the United States.

2. Vaccines are not 100% effective.
As you are aware, kids still contract chicken pox, measles, whooping cough, etc although they are fully immunised. I have many friends' kids with chicken pox despite having had the chicken pox jab. So, what is the point of vaccination? Will my child have less blisters if she has the vaccination?

Not true! My daughter had chicken pox with less blisters compared to my friend's son who had the vaccine just a couple of months prior to the outbreak. He had it all over. It was terrible.

Vaccines give parents a sense of false security.

3. Have they been tested for long-term side effects?
I believe the HPV vaccine, for example, was launched after less than 10 years of testing.

Vaccines are a multibillion dollar industry. It's all about the money, not our health. Over 300 new vaccines are in the pipeline. That's a scary fact.

My children have never needed to visit doctors for illnesses except one that had an insect bite. They have had no life-threatening disease or condition; no eczema or allergy, like every other child in town.

I have allergy in my medical background so it should mean at least one of my girls should be allergic to something but that is not the case.

Shareeza Faruqui, mother of two boys aged one and 12 years old:

As a mother, the problem that I faced when weighing the pros and cons of vaccination is the lack of resources. Every doctor that I have spoken to advises to vaccinate. I think what makes us vaccinate our children is fear. What motivates us to vaccinate is we trust doctors to advise us accordingly and we feel that we are protecting our children the best we can. I'm not aware of any non-medical or non-pharmaceutical organisation that is able to give unbiased vaccination advice to parents. The Internet is unreliable as the information is contradictory at best. I also feel that pharmaceutical companies are profit-making organisations, and the all mighty dollar is their bottom line. If you read a brochure on a vaccination, the pharmaceutical company makes it sound as if you are dooming your child if you don't vaccinate.

Personally, I have just stuck to the routine immunisation schedule as advised by the hospital. I have chosen not to give my child the additional vaccinations which include the pneumococcal and rotavirus vaccines. The reason being, I would rather give my child the opportunity to build his immune system instead of unduly taxing it by introducing all this medication at such a young age.

Paediatrician Dr Yong Junina:

The Health Ministry decides which vaccinations Malaysians should get based on the prevalence of the disease in our country. For example, the triple antigen immunisation was added to the list many years ago because at that time we had cases of diphtheria which we no longer see now. We are still wary of diphtheria now because there are still cases in other countries. We still have cases of whooping cough in Malaysia but we have reduced the number significantly by immunising the young.

We do not see tetanus nowadays because everyone is vaccinated and mothers are vaccinated during pregnancy to prevent transmission.

We are moving towards eradicating polio. I think so far we've done a very good job. We have either achieved the polio-free status or we're close to achieving it because we've not had any polio cases in Malaysia.

Recently, we added another vaccination - the Haemophilus B vaccine which is now given together with the triple antigen because that was found to be the commonest cause of bacterial meningitis in children. When children get meningitis from this bacteria they run a high risk of getting brain damage and hearing loss. So, vaccinating them is beneficial and cost effective as well for them in the long term.

As for the MMR (measles, mumps and rubella) vaccination, it is important for children to get this. We are heading towards eliminating measles. Although benign in most cases, measles can lead to complications and death. Mumps can cause sterility and inflammation of the pancreas. If you get rubella and pass it on to a pregnant mother, her baby can be born with various congenital abnormalities like cataract, heart problems and mental retardation.

Those are the reasons why children are vaccinated.

The vaccinations we give in Malaysia are similar or the same as the ones proposed by the World Health Organisation (WHO) although now there are one or two new ones that other countries have taken up. The pneumococcal vaccine, for example, is still not in the national immunisation protocol but it is offered at private centres.

Although it is compulsory for children to get all the vaccinations on the national immunisation protocol, they are not prevented from attending school if they have not gotten their immunisation jabs.

Supposing in a school of a thousand children, 90% of them have been vaccinated. Then a herd immunity occurs. These children who are protected are less likely to be carrying the bacteria or the virus. So, the child who is not immunised is actually protected by his or her peers.

But if more and more parents opt not to vaccinate, then this herd immunity is lost.

Plus, if the child is in a country where the disease is still rife, then the child is at risk of contracting the disease.

If you are not immune to whooping cough, then you can get it and you can pass it on to a baby under the age of two months who has not been vaccinated and is at risk of contracting whooping cough.

So, by not immunising your child, you are not just putting your child and his life at risk, you are also putting the lives of others within your community at risk.

Being vaccinated offers you 85% immunity but nothing is 100%. In the case of measles and chicken pox, even if you do get it after being immunised you would tend to get a milder course of the disease compared to if you were not vaccinated.

The vaccines are safe; they are no longer first-generation vaccines. They have undergone rigorous testing and trials and have been around for many, many years and have been improved upon. They don't contain mercury now. The new vaccines are mercury-free. Most vaccines are killed viruses like Hepatitis B and the injectable polio vaccine.

All the studies so far plus what we've seen around us show that there's very little side effects and the common ones are pain and fever.

As for the fears of children getting autism due to vaccinations, there is no data to support this claim. The fear arose after one researcher in Britain linked autism to vaccinations. However, he has since withdrawn that paper, admitting that the data was not correct.

The problem is that autism tends to manifest itself in the first two years of life and normally you see the child exhibiting his or her personality traits after the first year. The timing of this coincides with when the MMR vaccine is given.

By the time the child reaches two or three years old, the only thing the mother will remember is that the child had the MMR vaccine at one year old and after that he was diagnosed with autism. Sometimes if you look back you will realise the child already had problems prior to this but you don't diagnose autism under the age of two years.

While you don't want to give so many jabs at one go, you can never be too careful. It's like putting locks on your gate. Is 10 locks too many?

Vaccinations are basically to safeguard your child against potentially life-threatening or fatal diseases. As long as you follow the schedule and the age limitations for each vaccination, you will be fine. There is no such thing as over-vaccinating a child.

The optional vaccines like the pneumococcal vaccine are only optional in this country because the Government is not providing it but it is actually recommended by WHO. Pneumococcal meningitis is the second commonest bacterial meningitis in Malaysia.

I've seen children with pneumococcal disease and I've heard of deaths from meningitis so why take the risk even if the vaccine is 'expensive' at almost RM300 a dose. If something happens to your child you will kick yourself for not wanting to spend that money to save him or her.

When it comes to certain things like the common cold you can let the child build his or her immunity naturally. However, for diseases that carry dire consequences, you really don't want to take the risk. You want the child to never get the infection so that he remains normal and healthy.

Diseases like meningitis and whooping cough are still out there and we still see deaths from chicken pox, even. We may not see them as much these days because our communities are well vaccinated now., but they are still out there.

There are no alternatives to vaccinations.

If you want unbiased reports and you are wary of what doctors and pharmaceutical companies tell you, you can go to the WHO website (www.who.int/en/) to look at the data on vaccines.