Sometimes my husband and I disagree on our discipline and argue in front of our children about what is best. Do you think this is damaging?

Yes, I do. You and your husband should present a united front, especially when children are watching. If you disagree on any issue, it can be discussed later in private. Unless the two of you can come to a consensus, your children will begin to perceive that standards of right and wrong are arbitrary. They will also make an “end run” around the tougher parent to get the answers they want. There are even more serious consequences for boys and girls when parents are radically different in their approach.

Here’s the point of danger: Some of the most hostile, aggressive teenagers I’ve seen have come from family constellations where the parents have leaned in opposite directions in their discipline. Suppose the father is unloving and disinterested in the welfare of his kids. His approach is harsh and physical. He comes home tired and may knock them around if they get in his way.

The mother is permissive by nature. She worries every day about the lack of love in the father-child relationship. Eventually she sets out to compensate for it. When Dad sends their son to bed without his dinner, Mum slips him milk and cookies. When he says no to a particular request, she finds a way to say yes. She lets the kids get away with murder because it is not in her spirit to confront them.

What happens under these circumstances is that the authority figures in the family contradict and cancel out each other. Consequently, the child is caught in the middle and often grows up hating both. It doesn’t always work that way, but the probability for trouble is high. The middle ground between extremes of love and control must be sought if we are to produce healthy, responsible children.

This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia (www.family.org.my) and the Questions and Answers are extracted from “Complete Family and Marriage Home Reference Guide” by Dr James Dobson with permission.