Are you suggesting that I punish Mark for every little thing he does wrong? I would be on his back every minute of the day.

I am not suggesting that you be oppressive in dealing with everyday behaviour. The issues that should get your attention are those that deal with respect for you as Mark’s mother. When he is defiant, rude, and disobedient, you should confidently and firmly step in and lead. This disobedient behaviour is distinctly different, however, from that which is natural and necessary for learning and development. Let me explain.

Toddlers most often get in trouble for simply exploring and investigating their world. That is a great mistake. Preschoolers learn by poking their fingers into things that adults think they should leave alone. But this busy exploration is extremely important to intellectual stimulation.

Whereas you and I will look at a crystal trinket and obtain most of the information we seek from that visual inspection, a toddler will expose that pretty object to all of her senses. She will pick it up, taste it, smell it, wave it in the air, pound it on the wall, throw it across the room and listen to the pretty sound that it makes when shattering. By that process she learns a bit about gravity, rough versus smooth surfaces, the brittle nature of glass and some startling things about Mother’s anger.

I am not suggesting that your child be allowed to destroy your home and all of its contents. Neither is it right to expect her to keep her hands to herself. Parents should remove those items that are fragile or dangerous, and then strew the child’s path with fascinating objects of all types. Permit her to explore everything possible, and do not ever punish her for touching something that she did not know was off-limits, regardless of its value.

With respect to dangerous items, such as electric plugs and stoves, as well as a few untouchable objects, such as the knobs on the television set, it is possible and necessary to teach and enforce the command “Don’t touch!” If a child refuses to obey even after you have made your expectations clear, a mild slap on the hands while saying no will usually discourage repeat episodes.

I would, however, recommend patience and tolerance for all those other everyday episodes that involve neither defiance nor safety.

This article was written by Focus on the Family Malaysia (www.family.org.my) and the Questions and Answers are extracted from “Complete Family and Marriage Home Reference Guide” by Dr James Dobson with permission.