By FIONA HO

The lone paternal figure has long lingered in the backdrop of single parenthood, with the focus and attention geared almost entirely towards their female counterparts. The recent hullabaloo surrounding a man in Butterworth, Penang, who was detained for chaining his children, aged six and two, in a bathroom while he worked has, however, brought the multi-faceted predicaments of single fathers to light.

The girl and her younger brother were apparently shackled for “being naughty.” They were rescued by police late last month after neighbours heard their cries.

Their father, Tan Hooi Keong, a despatcher in his 40s, was later charged under Section 31(1)(a) of the Child Act, which carries a jail term of up to 10 years and a fine not exceeding RM20,000.

Tan’s case quickly spawned an onslaught of responses from the Malaysian public, with most condemning the act. Outraged citizens went as far as calling Tan a monster, while others who know him claim the man is not as cruel as he has been portrayed. Neighbours said he was a friendly man who seldom scolded his children and had been under a lot of stress since his Thai wife left home about a month prior to the incident.

The episode has also prompted a deeper look into the psyche of the much-neglected, single-father figure. While formerly a niche concern, the struggle to maintain that delicate balance between work and home remains a looming reality for many single dads.

As MCA Public Services and Complaints Department Datuk Michael Chong noted, there are relatively few Malaysian women who would abandon their children after their marriages failed, though the number has increased.

“The double whammy of having to fend for children on their own while dealing with the emotional baggage can become the tipping point for some men,” Chong told The Star in a front-page report earlier this month.

According to family law practitioner Honey Tan, there is a presumption that children of ages seven and below are better off with their mother. But she said that presumption can be rebutted if the father shows evidence that he can be a better parent based on the best interests of the child.

“The law favours the mother in that sense but it also reflects on social realities that usually see women on the domestic front. No matter what people say, women are usually the ones who do the housework and take care of their children at home,” Tan added.

As a result, there are fewer single fathers than single mothers around. But like a good number of their female counterparts, some of these men are just as determined and capable when it comes to raising their kids.

A. Asohan, 49, belongs to this legion. He has been doing his darndest to tend to his children while putting food on the table since his wife left the family five years ago.

The freelance technology journalist said his wife’s decision to end their marriage after 13 years together came as a complete shock as they had always been the “model couple” among friends.

Asohan, who now lives with daughters Alyssa Su-Yen Asohan, 16, and Ariane Priyanka Asohan, 14, in their Subang Jaya, Selangor, home, spoke frankly about the difficulties that followed his marital breakdown.

“The kids had a hard time dealing with not having their mother around. It was especially trying for the younger one, who was only about nine, to adjust to the new family structure.”

Fortunately, he was able to take a year off work not long after the separation. “I was home most of the time with my kids and I think that helped ease the transition.”

When the time came for “the talk,” the genial father said with a laugh: “I have four sisters to help me with that.” He was more concerned about the family’s finances.

Money is the biggest challenge in any single-parent household, he opined. “Problems are bound to develop when a family breaks out of a ‘single-unit expense.’ Even if both parents contribute financially to raise their children after a divorce, they will now have their own households to worry about and there’s only so much they can do.”

Besides having to manage the family’s expenses, Asohan said being a single parent also means he has to assume a dual role. “There is no one to make joint decisions with anymore. Now, it’s all on me to decide on things like which college the girls should go to, which career path to pursue or even the small things like which tuition teacher to go for.”

Two years ago, Asohan left his job at a local publications company, where he had served for over 20 years, as he was required to work on night shifts and could not spend time with his daughters.

He went on to join a multinational company as a public relations officer. While his new gig allowed him to work from home, he quickly burned out from the long and odd hours, and left the organisation last November.

As part of a growing pool of parents who work from home in this technology-driven world, Asohan is set to start an online publication for enterprise technology in March. He hopes that this new venture will allow him to spend more time with his daughters while he works.

“The Internet offers a great platform for those who cannot cope with a nine-to-five job,” he said.
 

Asohan at home with Alyssa (left) and Ariane. His new online venture will enable the single father to spend more time with his daughters.

In between jobs, Asohan has had three maids since 2007 to help him manage chores like cooking, washing and walking his daughters to school. But the devoted dad insisted: “I will never leave it to my maid to take care of my daughters. Never. I take care of my daughters while the maid takes care of the house.”

Though he speaks fondly of his children, Asohan related: “We used to play board games like Monopoly on weekends when they were younger. But they’re teenagers now so we mainly just go for lunch or movies.”

Sounding somewhat weary, he conceded: “Actually, most of my duties these days seem to revolve around being a chauffeur for them, like a dad version of a soccer mum.”

Wan-derful father

Clearly, being a single father is no walk in the park, but celebrity chef Datuk Redzuawan Ismail or Chef Wan, as he is better known, had learned to manage his domestic affairs alongside a burgeoning career.

Chef Wan, 54, separated from his wife when his children, Mohd Nazri and Serina, were only four and three. “We had joint custody but the children spent a lot of time with me,” he explained.

The charming chef, who has maintained post-marital congeniality with his ex-spouse, wisely noted: “Just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean you’re absolved from your responsibilities of being a parent.” After his divorce, the then-27-year-old former accountant set out for the United States to pursue his dream of becoming a chef. Though his children remained with their mother in Malaysia, Chef Wan continued being the sole breadwinner in the family.

“My ex-wife has never earned a single penny on her own. She is quite ‘fragile’ in that sense and I still look after her to this day.”

But juggling fatherhood and trying to build a career did not come easy for the would-be culinary icon. In between classes, he sought out odd jobs such as gardening and housekeeping. He also had to be frugal and often made do with the leftovers at the cooking school cafeteria.
 

Chef Wan at the recent launch of his book, The Best Of Chef Wan – A Taste of Malaysia, a tribute to his 80-year-old mother Noraini Abdulah (second from left). Also present were his children, Chef Riz and Serina, who have enjoyed a relatively normal childhood despite their parents’ divorce.

Chef Wan, who began his career in various cooking programmes, is now a permanent fixture in the entertainment and culinary industries, and one of the nation’s busiest and best-known celebs. In 2009, he beat world-renowned chefs like Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson to clinch the Best Celebrity Television Cookbook Awards.

His children went on to live with him on alternate weeks after he returned from the United States, a routine that spanned from their primary-school days till they were grown-ups.

Mutual respect was integral when it came to bringing up his children with his ex. “We never badmouth each other in front of our children and we learned to respect each other. A lot of divorced parents don’t and I think that’s wrong.

“Our marriage may not have worked out but she was still the best mother to my children.”

Despite his busy s chedule, Chef Wan also made sure he had his children’s needs and interests at heart.

“It was very important that I was able to provide for them, give them a good education, make sure they had enough to eat, and are both physically and spiritually well.”

The father-of-two was also very much involved with his children’s projects and act ivities at school. In his free time, he would get them to cook or do some gardening together.

Now 29, Nazri (more popularly known as Chef Riz these days) has followed in Dad’s footsteps as a celebrity chef, while Serina, 28, is focusing on her acting career.

Chef Riz tied the knot with his actress girlfriend Ana Dahlia, 28, last month. Serina, meanwhile, is expecting her second child. She gave birth to her son, Tristan Tareef O’Luanaigh, in 2010. Mr Mom Chinese-Danish radio and television personality Patricia Sue-Lin Knudsen was only 12 when her parents announced they were splitting up. The 24-year-old Danish native, who goes by the moniker Patricia K, said the revelation hit her hard.

“As a kid, I always thought we would stay together forever as a family,” said Patricia, who was living in Hong Kong with her younger sisters, Shanette May-Lin and Christina Chew-Lin, then nine and eight.

Her Malaysian mother, Jessica Foo, returned home after the divorce. Patricia said she only got to see Foo, a former flight attendant, once a year afterwards.

“Suddenly, mum was not there anymore,” she recalled. “Living with Dad was certainly different as Mum was the one who used to take care of us when he was working.”

But her father, Vagn Skovgaard, an export manager then in his early 40s, was quick to take over the reins. Patricia said the sturdy patriarch had to learn to cook, wash their clothes and do the groceries while continuing to work. “It took him some time to adjust to the whole thing but he did it and he has been doing it in all the years that we were growing up.”

The sisters went on to boarding school. “It is a norm in Denmark for children to go to boarding school and not just because my parents got divorced,” she pointed out.

On weekends, she would return home to spend time with her family. “I would play games like bingo or do puzzles with my dad and sisters. Then, Dad would cook for us but he would never let us help. We would sit together for dinner afterwards and watch movies in the evening. He would also read books like Harry Potter to my sisters before they went to bed.”

Patricia said her father had also been very liberal with her lifestyle choices. “Mum was always the stricter one. She’s Asian, right?” she teased. “Dad, on the other hand, would let us go to parties, see our friends, stay up late ... he gave us lots of freedom.”

The doting dad even bought her a horse on her 14th birthday. “I was into horse riding at that time, so I was ecstatic. Then I wanted a bigger horse and he got me that as well,” she shared excitedly.

But far from being a fairy-lit utopia, Patricia’s problems began when puberty hit. “I missed my mum,” she confessed. And when I got my period, my dad was like ‘uh-oh.’ He sent me straight to my grandma.”

While on the surface Patricia seemed to be adapting well to life after her parents’ break-up, personally she was going through a dark period in her life. The girl was later diagnosed with depression.

Her father, sensing that something was amiss, first sought the help of a therapist when she was 14. “It was difficult and I felt like I had no one to turn to at that time,” she revealed. “Going for counselling sessions definitely helped me deal with my feelings and I had a therapist till I was about 20. “I wouldn’t say that my parents’ divorce was the reason for my troubles but it was probably one of the things that affected me without my even realising it.”

Her troubles did not end there. “I was a very, very rebellious teenager. I partied a lot, I had boyfriends who were six years older than me, and I ran away from home a couple of times.

“Dad would put us up with our uncles and aunties when he had to travel for work so we wouldn’t be alone but I didn’t want to so I ran away to my friends’ or my boyfriends’.”

The father-daughter relationship reached a boiling point when she was 17. “One day, I just took all my stuff and moved out of the house without telling my dad. I never moved back, though we’ve mended things since.”

In spite of her troubled teenage years, Patricia managed to complete her A-Levels. “I wanted to be a veterinarian then because I love animals,” she remembered.

But as fate would have it, the attractive brunette stumbled upon the entertainment industry while she was visiting her mother here.

Now, Patricia is a popular face in the local deejaying circuit, as well as a personality on Capital FM 88.9, Malaysia’s first radio station for women, one of the channels under the Star Radio Group owned by Star Publications (M) Bhd.
 

Patricia K (right) and her sisters, Shanette (centre) and Christina, sharing a candid moment with their dad Vagn Skovgaard at their family home in Denmark last July.

Her sisters are doing equally well.

“Shanette is doing a bio-medicine degree while Christina is taking a break and travelling before going back to school.”

Looking back, the beauty said philosophically: “My dad is very strong but at the same time, extremely emotional. I didn’t let him in that much during my teenage years but Dad really did make an effort. When you grow up, you start to see things from a different perspective and you learn to appreciate your parents.

“He has always been so positive no matter how bad things were. I have a wonderful dad and he’s coming by (from Denmark) to visit soon. I’m buying him his ticket.”

In the face of generalisations and parental stereotypes, the single male parent always seems to be on the losing end of the parenting scale. It doesn’t help that popular culture often depicts the single dad as some bumbling buffoon on the verge of burning down the kitchen.

But amid the hurdles and bad press that single fathers have to contend with, let us not forget about the men and fathers who are just as committed in providing care and support for their children as their maternal counterparts.

And, above all, remember that it is never about who makes the better parent – mum or dad – but the little ones whose lives they will be shaping.