I SPEAK KID
By ELAINE DONG

I always tell my kids that I know everything. It saves a lot of arguments. “Don’t eat sweets, they’re not good.” “How do you know, Mummy?” “I’m your mother, I know everything.”

See?

I’m allowed to use this sweeping statement because I’ve earned it. I’ve been a mother for six years, to two kids. Those who have been mothers for longer than me would probably have some other ridiculous sweeping statements that they keep in their arsenal. I say more power to them. And please share them?

I wasn’t always such an obnoxious parent to my kids. When my kids were between the ages of zero and three, I was all about cramming them with facts and exposing them to what life is really all about. I would launch into lengthy discussions about the goodness of whole-wheat bread versus white bread to a babbling two-year-old.

I would laboriously explain why it’s important to put on sunscreen when we go swimming. I would tell them why they should cover their mouths when they cough. And once upon a time, I think I actually did explain to them what sugar does to their system when it gets into their blood stream.

Are you bored yet? I am. Which is why now, I tell them I know everything. It’s just easier.

But the art of explanation has not died with me. There are legions of new parents born every day, each one more gung-ho than the last. Just as I take up my new mantra, new mothers and fathers everywhere are picking up where I left off.

I call them the nouveau parents. Just like the nouveau riche love to show off new money, nouveau parents want to flaunt their new parenting prowess.

You can spot nouveau parents a mile away. They would be the ones pushing branded strollers and carrying branded nappy bags filled to the brim with everything their baby would need while out at the mall, including a play pen. They would also be playing tag team with the baby , taking turns carrying him or her every five minutes. They would be endlessly cooing to the baby and pointing out lights and colourful things, even when baby’s sleeping. Oh, yes, they would of course be the ones with the thesis-like explanations about the smallest things.

Sometimes, some nouveau parents may even act a little superior to other parents, thinking that they’re the first people ever to become parents. They will cringe in horror if someone dares to suggest anything non-organic or non-green, or worst of all, fizzy drinks, for their child.

I know all this because I used to be one myself.

It’s a good thing, to be so enthusiastic about one’s new role as a parent. At least it means baby will be well taken care of. I hope. But I am more than happy to shrug off the mantle of the nouveau parent and put on that of the grumpy, seasoned parent.

I now can tell my kids to be quiet and just watch TV for a while so I can chill. And not be overwhelmed by guilt. Once in a while, I even say shut up. Nouveau parents reading this would either have fainted or taken up a petition to shut down this column.

I say give them three years.

Parenting is a journey. Kids grow and change every day. It’s not that I don’t want to continue coddling them and stuffing them full of knowledge. It’s whether they will still sit still and let me do it or not. A wise person says that a good parent is a flexible parent, and that wise person would be me. All these years, I’ve kept my parenting principles, but I’ve changed my parenting style. I want to give my kids room to grow.

I don’t want to be that stick-in-the-mud mother who explains a sunset to my kids instead of watching it with them. Nor do I want to deprive them of the experience of a sip of fizzy drink exploding in their mouths. Even if they’re only allowed five sips.

And did you think my kids would let me get away with the I-know-everything statement? Now I get thrown random questions such as: What happens if the moon dies? How do you make statues? Why can’t I watch Mr Bean? Do you know how to build a house?

Both of them would stand there, and wait for me to say I don’t know. At which point, they’ll pounce and say: “You don’t know everything after all!”

So I don’t always have the last word every time, but at least I’ve set them thinking.

Elaine Dong doesn’t really know everything, but don’t tell her kids. She blogs at www.angelolli.com.