TEENS & TWEENS
By CHARIS PATRICK
Oct 24, 2009, a fateful day for Tan Hui Linn, a regular 17-year-old teenager. She became an acid attack victim, not by a stranger, but her own schizophrenic father who also killed her mum. She suffered 60% burns, was partially blinded and badly disfigured. Despite the ordeal, she did not wallow in self-pity but maintained a positive outlook on life and even went on to score 9As in her SPM. The girl also said she has forgiven her father.
Many of us know about this tragedy that befell her family but more than the sympathy we feel for her, we admire her courage, strength and resilience.
Resilience is the capacity to rise above difficult circumstances, allowing our children to exist in this less-than-perfect world, while moving forward with optimism and confidence. Resilience is also about confronting the overwhelming stress that kids face today.
Teens and tweens need to have coping strategies for facing the stresses of academic performance, high achievement standards, media messages, peer pressure, and family tension.
Young people, too, commonly survive stress by indulging in unhealthy behaviours or by giving up completely. Resilience is about bouncing back.
The key is not just in helping our teens/ tweens cope with life’s challenges but to prepare them to have the capacity to recover before anything actually goes wrong. For some teens/tweens, life is especially hard. They struggle, they suffer – but they survive!
“How did they do it?”
This question is at the heart of the research on resilience done by Steven J. Wolin, clinical professor of psychiatry at the medical school of George Washington University in Washington DC and director of family therapy training, and Sybil Wolin, a developmental psychologist. The Wolins, co-directors of “Project Resilience,” posed this question to teens/tweens who have overcome considerable hardship.
Each has pulled a gratifying, constructive life out of the fires of violence, drug or substance abuse, racism, poverty, abuse, neglect, bitter divorce, and/or family disruption. By analysing their stories, they have identified seven areas of resilience that seem to make a difference:
1. Insight is the habit of asking tough questions – about yourself and about situations you find yourself in – and giving honest answers. Insight helps you see things as they really are, not as you wish they were.
2. Independence means being your own person. Sometimes, that means stepping back from the pressures you feel from people and situations. Independence helps keep you focused on what you want out of life.
3. Relationships are connections with people who matter. Relationships provide a sense of belonging, opportunities to express yourself, and support when you need it.
4. Initiative means facing life’s challenges head-on. When you take the initiative, you begin a positive cycle of solving problems, overcoming fears, and being a winner. Initiative puts you in charge.
5. Creativity means using your imagination as a safe haven – a place where you’re free to express yourself and rearrange the details of your life as you please. Creativity can help you channel overwhelming feelings and make them manageable.
6. Humour allows you to find what’s funny, even when you’re sad or in pain. It’s a wonderful way to release tension and to relieve pain or embarrassment.
7. Morality means doing the right thing, even if it is not the easy or natural thing to do. It helps connect you to other people through being useful and caring. It helps you feel like you’re a good person.
The bottom line of resilience – teens/ tweens will be resilient when the important adults in their lives believe in them unconditionally and hold them to high expectations.
Unconditional belief is not blind acceptance. It means that we are not going anywhere and our love is a constant stable force from which children can draw security and confidence.
Parents know better than anybody all of the wonderful traits a young person possesses – warmth, humour, caring, idealism, loyalty, passion. You were there as these traits first became evident.
When we speak of “holding a child to high expectations,” it does not refer to demanding high grades or athletic excellence, although it is reasonable to expect a good effort. Rather, it is about always expecting your child to live up to the core values and essential goodness you know lies within.
Children who know their parents always see the best within them will live up to those expectations. The stable connection between caring adults and children is the key to the security that allows kids to creatively master challenges and reach their highest potential.
Parents cannot shackle themselves to their teenager and oversee every decision he makes throughout his adolescence – and we wouldn’t want to.
We want our teenagers to know when and how to protect themselves against negative peer pressure, teen drug use, bad grades in school, etc.
We want them to learn how to pick themselves up and bounce back victoriously – like what we see in Hui Linn.
Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children.